Wow, how time flies when you can't remember it.

  I have not written my blog in several months and I feel bad about that. Now it is time to catch everyone up on what has been going on here in my little part of the MS world. To be completely honest, very little. Summer has arrived which means that I have been home with the kids trying to come up with daily activities to keep everyone busy. Unfortunately, as I am still awaiting the SSA to decide if I am too disabled to work and my wife has been working her ass off to keep the roof over our head and food in every one's belly, there is little money left over to arrange activities for the kids and afford the gas to get them there. We have been able to arrange a few things.
  A few months ago I came across a set of golf clubs at the Salvation Army Thrift Store. I grew up in a golfing family even though I was the black sheep (still am) that never really took up the game. Granted, when I was much much younger, my father would take me to the driving range on occasion to hit some balls. Most of these trips were me watching him hit the balls since he has the ability to pretty accurately hit anywhere he wants to with amazing skills whereas I could occasionally hit them to a marking yardage spot. When I got this set of clubs (granted they were woman's clubs) I discovered that my youngest children seemed to show a keen interest in using them and learning the game of golf. This made me swell with happiness as I have recently (past several years) felt the desire to involve myself more and more into the world of recreational golf. The funniest part of this is that golf is very common amongst us in the fire/rescue world. It seems like whenever a firefighter gets ill (cancer) or dies in the line of duty, they get a golf tournament named in their honor. The last one I played in before my retirement was for my friend Z who I worked with in the City of Manassas Fire and Rescue Department. He discovered he was ill in February and was dead by June. Myself and a few of the other Chief's in the area had a large tournament to benefit his family shortly after he passed. To say the absolute least, I played horribly.
 Once I mentioned to my father that the children were becoming interested in learning the game, he made a surprise visit to our house one Sunday (my wife's birthday to be exact) to bring down a set of children's golf clubs for my daughter as I had found a set of children's clubs from the Salvation Army store the weekend before for my son. That same day I found myself a new set of clubs that fit me a lot better than the set I had and these ones were for a male, so now my wife had a set of clubs. Everyone now had their own clubs making things so much easier when it came time to drive balls.
  My father's visit was not merely for him to bring down golf clubs for the kids, but apparently whilst going through his paperwork he found a whole life insurance policy that had been taken out on me when I was 8 years old which would now be worth somewhere between 150-200k dollars. Since he knew that we had the opportunity to purchase a property from our landlord for $50k less than asking price to include a rental property bringing in $600/month with perfect tenants as well as a 5 bedroom house all on 4.5 acres of land, he figured that this policy would be able to provide the capital we needed to finally purchase the house. Unfortunately, he forgot that he had cashed out the policy in 1998 and thus rendering the paperwork that I was holding in my hand completely useless. It's the thought that counts I guess. Unfortunately, we lost the opportunity to purchase the property and are still staying in the tiny little 2 bedroom rental that we have been in for almost 2 years. Not great, but at least it is a home.
  That same weekend that my father came for a visit I also stepped on the door to the deceased rabbit cage that we have been using as the "cat penalty box" to housebreak the cats that refuse to use the litter box. Me being the macho guy that I am (when I need to be) cleaned it up a bit and put a 4x4 gauze pad on it and secured it with medical tape. Of course, after my father left on Sunday evening, I was forced by my wife to go the the ER and have it checked out to ensure that it was clean and nothing foreign was left in it. Two weeks later I thought that it had been healing pretty well and went Geocaching with my wife and son (they are BIG into this hobby now). Unfortunately this particular cache was in the woods and I must have stepped wrong as immediately afterwards my foot with the gash in it was throbbing and the pain was quickly becoming unbearable. Still, two nights later I was still able to stand, albeit on one leg, whilst cooking a massively delicious dinner for my family. After dinner, my wife assisted me with cleaning the wound and we discovered based upon it's appearance and years of medical training that it was severely affected. YAY! Another trip to the ER.
  Upon arrival at the ER, my assigned PA happened to be a member of our church. When things like this happen it ALWAYS makes things ten times more interesting than they would have been otherwise. For instance, I have a tendency of not always being politically correct nor using language that is acceptable for all those in attendance. I have found that my linguistic skills become more unpopular when severe pain is involved. One big problem I have is that I am allergic to anesthetic medications (ie. Novacaine, Lidocaine, Betacaine, Cocaine, etc.) which means that local anesthetics to dull the pain that I will be feeling when the PA takes a scalpel and cuts open the infected wound on my foot to drain out the infection will not be used and will allow me to fully experience ALL the pain and fun. Before the lancing of the wound began, a high dose of antibiotics was going to be administed at my suggestion to the doctor. Rocephen was to be the antibiotic de jour and was to be administed in a large muscle for maximum effectiveness and since all medical paths seem to lead to the ass being the muscle of choice, I prepared for the painful injection. The nurse wanted to be a nice person and make the injection a little less painful by mixing in some lidocaine. Thankfully, after she had made the mixture and before injecting it she asked me again about any allergies I might have. At this point she practically ran out of the room with the needle to dispose of it and hide her complete embarrassment. My wife and I took this as an opportunity to laugh hysterically at how close I had come to death all because of a little cut on my foot. We also laughed about how the insurance policy that we just found out was no longer in force almost would have been a really good thing to have at that moment.
  Several weeks have passed since that ER experience, and I am able to happily able to report that my foot is 99% healed with no further medical intervention necessary. I can also report that I have not really experienced any further medical complications due to the MS. I have also finally scheduled an appointment with my neurologist to touch base on my progression and to re-evaluate my medicine since it is probably overdue. We will also most likely order a new MRI to see what the internal progression of the disease is. To say that least I have been slacking. However, since MS affects my memory terribly, I blame my slacking on MS not allowing me to remember all of the things that I should do. Thankfully, today, MS allowed me to remember to write my blog. Unfortunately it is a few months overdue, but hey, my 2 readers didn't miss much.
  On that note boys and girls, I shall end this blog for tonight and perhaps consider laying down in bed and hope that sleep will eventually come. I will listed to my sugar gliders prance and dance around all night and most likely bark at each other into the early hours of the morning. Goodnight (or good morning if you are reading this when the sun is up) and I look forward to any correspondence that you may wish to write. After all, this may not be your life, but it might be something like it....

Orbit has been achieved!

  Another year has past, another revolution around the sun, and again I have gotten another year older. This is an event that I have no control over me, but much like MS it has control over me. I change a number on paperwork when asked my age, I imagine a few more “lines” on my face when I look in the mirror, and over the course of the next twelve months I will most likely see more gray hairs appear everywhere. What will not change however is the fact that I have MS, I am going to get worse, and there will be times where instead of feeling like the chronological age of 35 that I am I will feel closer to twice that age as this disease ravages my body. However, today I am still able to smile as I stand up and blow out the candles.
  This past year has seen many things happen both personally, professionally, and globally. Some of those happenings included me and others happened around me and I was merely there to witness them. What I am happiest about is the fact that I was there to witness them and look forward to see what this year will bring. What I do not look forward to however is seeing what MS has in store for me. Unfortunately, knowing that there is no cure, treatment is often worse and more unpredictable than the disease, and symptoms are most likely going to change without giving me a chance to understand and accept them before they set in and change the routine that I had going on. Life with MS becomes full of things that you are unable to change, but the most important thing that I advocate to anyone dealing with MS, or any chronic/terminal illness, is that your personal outlook changes the way the disease handles you and the way you handle the disease.
  As this is my birthday, I am able to see and appreciate the way that this birthday is different than
last year. First off, I am writing this at 1152pm, 8 minutes before my 10 year wedding anniversary officially begins, and I have not been to sleep since the 5^th of May. I woke up on Tuesday morning like always to put my daughter on the bus, then drive my son to school, and then run errands with my wife all day before coming home and being with my family before they all drifted off to bed. Unfortunately, my Butrans transdermal pain patch had run its course and it appears that we were not able to place the new one on in time which tends to leave me with uncontrollable muscle spasms that lead to pain and soreness in all muscle groups that are affected by most of the spasms. I ended up soaking my legs in the shower twice after several failed attempts at sleep which left me a quivering mass on the bed next to my beautiful snoring wife. As I figured that I would have to put my daughter on the bus this morning like always I refused to ingest any amount of my Ambien (normally it can take 50-60mg for the effect to get me to sleep) and we didn't have any wine in the house (last resort as it seems that my incredibly high tolerance for medicine also applies to alcohol,) so instead I had no recourse but to “suffer.” Since I was unable to get into any type of comfortable position without the spasms, I ended up remaining awake until my alarm sounded at 7am and my wife got my daughter ready and on the bus to school. Then again my alarm sounded at 8am and since my son and wife were both awake, I got into the bathtub and filled it with amazingly hot water hoping that I could at least get my muscles to finally relax enough for my day to not be incredibly painful and I would not have to spend my birthday confined to my wheel chair whilst my body worked against me. As I have said before, I am stubborn as all hell, and I refuse to allow MS to win. This was also the time that I realized that I would be up for the remainder of the day.
  The rest of the day went by quite well, with a great conversation for about an hour this morning whilst I drank 2 large cups of McDonald's coffee and we sat outside in the beautiful spring weather. After that I picked up my daughter from school, then quickly went to my son's school, and then went to my wife's office to pick her up so that we could all go to my daughter's allergy doctor appointment in Charlottesville. After that we went to the auto parts store to pick up the window regulator that I ordered yesterday to finally fix the broken window on my wife's SUV, which I should add that I have never before repaired and had no clue what I would have to do in order to replace the part and get the window operational again so that we could get the State Inspection done since the sticker expired at the end of April. Then we went back to my wife's office where she went back to work, the kids collected caterpillars in a bucket (I swear there are at least 100 of the damn creepy crawly things in my house now,) and I began the repair of my wife's window. Long story short, I was able to figure out how to replace the window regulator and motor and her driver's side window is operational again which makes her a ery happy woman. Perhaps I should have repaired it as a surprise and I could have passed it off as an anniversary gift. I believe the 10^th anniversary is the paper anniversary, and I could have given her the receipt for the expensive and relatiely easily replaceable part. I could honestly hear the 6 people who will read this month's blog snickering and amazed that I would sink to such a low level of romantic trickery. Well, obviously I didn't do that and will actually have to get her a good anniversary gift.

  Right now as I write this I am sitting on the couch, the wife is lying in bed reading with the occassional snore, the kids are long ago asleep and snoring, and I am attempting to relate my birthday, insomnia, and humor into something that other people might wish to read whilst I enjoy my 3^rd small glass of wine (Sweet Red, Sutter Home). Unfortunately, I am still not tired. I can honestly say, at least for me, that insomnia is one of the worst symptoms that MS brings to the table. For some it is the inability to walk, balance, talk, thing coherently, numbness, tingling, and the multitude of other annoying and horrible symptoms that MS is known for. As for me personally, nothing is more annoying that listening to everyone else peacefully sleeping as I sit here in this very small town that is essentially closed for business once the sun goes down where I am unable to enjoy the benefits that sleep brings. On the good side though, it gives me ample time to work on my pacing skills, my stumbling, my controlled falling, and time to write oddly interesting blog posts like the one that you just read. Hopefully you enjoyed it, and thank you for the “Happy Birthday” wishes that you silently wished me when you realized that this post was mostly about it being my birthday. Thank you. Whilst this may not be the life that anyone wanted or imagined, it is something like it...

The window in operational order! Yay me!

My son being a zombie.

Both of my youngest children in full zombie mode.

Photo shoot I did of my kids last weekend.

Another photo I took last weekend.

A photo my son took with my camera this                                      

Another photo from last weekend.

Yet another photo I took.

The beauty of spring.

More spring beauty taken last weekend.

A small collage of fire photos I have taken this                            year.

evening.

Beware the numbness of March

   Welcome to March. With any luck this month will bring an end to the many bouts of snow and freezing arctic temperatures that have been plaguing this area during this winter season. It has already brought a gift to me, and that gift is a new symptom. YAY to symptoms! Welcome, gradual progression of numbness to my left hand.
   A few days ago I began having numbness in my left pinky and ring finger. Now, numbness is nothing new in the world of MS, so against the wishes of my wife I didn't call my neurologist to report the newest symptoms. Within 3 days, I found that this numbness has become greater and has taken over more than 90% of my left hand and is approaching my wrist. Interestingly enough over the past few days I have noticed that sometimes the numbness seems to abate and then it comes back again without any warning. These strange little occurrences are what makes MS such and interesting and unpredictable disease. One day you have a certain set of symptoms that you have been used to and worked your routine around, and then the next day another symptom appears and you try to figure out how to work the new symptom into your daily routine. This is where I am at now, but thankfully (unlike my wife) I don't really use my left hand for much and thus this numbness is not much of an inconvenience. After so many years as a fireman, I always live the firefighter motto of Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome. MS really does make those words a staple to daily life.
Many people will tell you that any time you discover a new symptom whilst living with MS, you should immediately notify your medical team. For those who aren't aware, your medical team consists of your primary care provider, your specialists (ie. Movement disorder doctor, neurologist, nutritionist, etc), your spouse (if involved in your care), and any other people that you keep personally involved in your illness and disease management. My wife is my biggest advocate when it comes to the management and maintenance of my disease, and as much as I love her, she is also my biggest pain in the ass. No matter what though, I enjoy every moment that she spends driving me insane when it comes to my symptoms and ensuring that I notify the rest of my team and the way she tries to keep me on top of my medical needs. This is what many people with MS are not always able to have as their disease progresses, a never ending advocate.
   When my wife and I first sought the truth behind my strange symptoms, the first thing that my mother said to me was that my wife would be the first one to kiss me goodbye as I got sicker. Now that we have been through 4 years of knowing generally what we are in for, several symptoms, multiple medications, the terminal wait for a decision from Social Security, and an unbelievable amount of doctor's appointments, she is still by my side and still maintaining control of my health. Although I often find myself surprised by the number of people with MS who regale others with the way they were abandoned by their family and friends once their disease began to progress or once they informed other that they were sick; I unfortunately find myself understanding both sides of the equation. Whilst it is extremely hard for anyone to watch the person they care for begin to “fall apart,” it is also hard for those of us with the illness to place a burden on anyone that we care for. So, who should leave whom? Should the person who is sick be the one to leave to keep from being the burden that they are afraid they will become, or should the loved one leave so that they never have to be burdened. I propose the opposite.
   My wife and I have made my disease progression a source of amusement and constant humor within our household. My spasms, forgetfulness, lack of coordination, and general craziness that comes with MS have been a great source of fodder for the entire family. I remind my children constantly that payback is going to be a bitch with all the diaper changes that I have had to perform for them and the incontinence that will be progressing for me. My wife reminds me of the life insurance we have on me and how at any point she can cash in on that by increasing the danger within the house for me by simply rearranging the furniture. I remind myself of the humor every time I try to do something simple with my hands and watch as I fumble for ages whilst trying to accomplish the task. The latter can be especially funny when it comes to anything with buttons, and if you don't believe me, wait until your MS progresses and then buy a whole bunch of button down dress shirts and let the hilarity begin.

   What I look forward to the most this March however, is that I am one step closer to reaching my goals. Those goals include being able to walk (for the most part) and being with the ones that I love. My wife and kids are still here with me and driving me just as crazy as always. My wife is still getting on my case about notifying my medical team about the changes in symptoms and getting my bi-yearly MRIs done. My kids still find it funny to litter their room with strategically placed toys in order to slow me down from being able to reach them when they are misbehaving. Even the cats have coordinated themselves and the way that they get into the proper position to trip me up whilst moving around the house. Personally, I think that I should just use my wheel chair around the house as payback to them, but for some reason the wife and kids won't let me. Lucky cats. For now at least. Every day I am reminded of how many things there are to laugh about when it comes to having MS and how many things there are to be thankful for. After all, it is not the life that I have chosen, but it is something like it.

Pain? Or pain in the ass...

    When one is diagnosed with a chronic illness or terminal disease, there are many things that you are informed about. Unfortunately, there are also many things that you have to find out on your own. Most diseases follow a path through the body that is predictable and common to such an illness. Unfortunately with MS, there is no path of predictability which means that everyone experiences the disease differently. One common article of contention within the MS community and the medical professionals at large is the discussion of chronic pain.
    Long before I was diagnosed with MS officially and whilst there were several symptoms of the disease that I had been ignoring occuring within my body, pain was something that I had been experiencing and ignoring as I had just perceived them to be due to my job or my age. Small aches and pains that didn't quite have a reason to be there. Little constant pains that would pop up randomly and would then go away without any sort of changes in my behavior. I tell you, not everyone will experiences things like this, most will feel some type of pain in their body that they will most likely be able to trace to a movement, or misstep, or fitness and lack thereof. What I am saying is that not every little ache and pain that you may feel should be indicative of some horrible illness and may in fact just be you getting old and out of shape. So, stop reading this blog and get outside and do something physical! Ok, I am ready just kidding there. Keep reading! I need more readers!
    What I have noticed personally; since I have yet to find the secret formula to place myself into someone else's body, is that I have some consant pain but there is nothing that seems to be able to remedy it. I have a pain medication patch that is on my body 24/7, but I can still feel the pain brewing in the background and more unfortunate than that is that the medication does nothing to stop the spasms that are constantly occurring throughout my body and only work to contribute to my overall pain. Such a vicous cycle, don't you agree. I am able to ignore most of the pain. Then the spasms progress and get to the point where I am in tears because they cause pain everywhere in my body and I know that I can't ignore it. So, I hope that there is enough medicine in my bag of tricks that I can mix to make it all stop. Let me just make a disclaimer here: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Or work. Or at the park. Or in your garage. You get the picture.
    Mixing medications is a BAD idea. I don't care if you are a “nobody” or a master surgeon. This is just plain dangerous. Now, with that being said, this is something that I do on a nightly basis. Part of the reason for this is that I have discovered over these past few years is that I have a terrifying tolerance for medications. In the little more than 3 years that my doctor and I have been working dilligently to manage both the spasms and the pain, we have gone through almost every type of medication that is available without rendering me completely useless to the awakened world. We have used everything in the non-narcotic category before we finally had to move to narcotics (which was the last thing my wife and I wanted to do). We have done this with pain management medications as well as those used to control the spasms. Unfortunately, as it stands now I believe that we have met the effacacy limit for the meds that I currently use and thus must now try to discover what the new medications will be and see how long it takes to get them right.
    On the opposite side of the spectrum, I have heard many stories from others with MS whose doctors immediately want to treat them with medications. Before the doctor has done anything other than an initial physical, they want to start giving hard pain medications to the patient to “manage” their pain. Neither the patient nor the doctor have enough of a relationship together to know what, if any, pain the patient is in. When I first began searching for answers to my symptoms, this was the first type of doctor that we encountered. Barely asking any questions, and doing no physical exam whatsoever, offered me “pain drugs” immediately. When I told this doctor several times that medications were not at all what I wanted, but rather wanted to know what was going on with my body, he still refused to comprehend what I was saying and just continued to try to prescribe strong pain drugs. At this point my wife had to physically stand in front of us to keep me from becoming too upset and doing something stupid. These types of doctors are unfortunately all too common when it comes to the world of MS and the like diseases.
    Thankfully, we were able to get a referral to a specialist from this doctor's office which led us to my current neurologist which has been with me since the very beginning. When we had our very first consultation I made it extremely clear to the doctor that I did not want any medications, and instead was seeking a diagnosis as to what was happening to me. I think this came as a surprise to him since just as there are doctors who wish to give drugs without reason, there are just as many, if not more, patients who seek medications rather than a true diagnosis and management method of their ailment. However, when you put these two types of people together, the only result is mistrust, deceit, and in the end death for the patient. These types of people are the ones that make understanding MS and pain so difficult within the medical community because although one may be able to outwardly see physical MS symptoms in a person, seeing pain is not truly possible and relies solely on the patient.

    In conclusion, I write this as the topic for this month's blog as I find myself in constant pain and find that although I never wanted medication initially, I too was unaware of the level of pain that comes along with MS as the disease progresses. Now that I have been living aware of my disease for these past 4 years (almost), I realize that there are many questions that will never be able to be answered merely by reading other MS-ers accounts of their illness. What can be gleaned by reading and research though is an insight into the many different ways that this illness affects those with it and how many have dealt with it both in management and in maintenance. These accounts can also give an insight into ways that you might live with and deal with MS as it pertains to you. Or, as I have discovered through my own twisted way, different things within the MS world that can cause humour, comfort, perspective, and the medicinal power that only laughter can bring. For as I have always said, this may not be the life that anyone ever imagined having, it is something like it.

Auld Lang Syne

  Well, allow me to officially welcome you to 2014. It's kinda funny, it has been 4 years since I received my official diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis and 1 year since I began chronicling my life with MS in a blog. To think of the things that I have written, and the things that I have not, it makes me wonder how other people in the world deal with their MS. For me, laughing has always been the best medicine. Of course, I have discovered that with MS, medicine can also be a constant necessity that laughter alone can not cure.
  Since receiving the diagnosis of MS, I realized that I was pretty doomed from birth. After all, my initials are MSA. Granted, that also gave me a reason to be a fireman from birth as the masks that most departments in my area use are MSA breathing apparatus. Hey, told you before, it's a calling, not a job. However, the other day my family and I were at my aunt's house for a visit and she noticed for the first time that my initials were MS and it got a good little chuckle from all of us. I mean, you can't deny it, from the beginning of my life I was doomed to be a fireman who gets MS. Don't need a palm reader for that one, it's right there in the name. Yet, my wife wonders why I desperately want to change my name, which she has continually denied allowing me to do. I have tried telling her that perhaps it is the first step to my cure, take the disease out of my name. For some reason, she doesn't believe me. Well, it was worth a try.
  I have used humor in so many things in my life that I often don't know when something shouldn't be funny. I have laughed at just about everything I can think of. My wife still laughs at me about the time I shot myself in the ass. I will admit, looking back now it is kinda funny. Sure as hell wasn't at the time. I won't get into the entire story here, but will just give you the basics: re-holstering my .357Magnum (no longer have) with the hammer in the engaged position and accidentally pulled the trigger causing the bullet to exit the barrel, go through the holster, down the side of my ass, through my wallet and my pant leg and finally lodge itself into the tile and cement floor where I was located. Again, funny now, not so much then. Just like MS.
  When I look at my life with MS, I realize how many different things I have been able to laugh at now, but was either angry at or embarrassed by when they happened. There have been so many times that I can think of just recently where I have gotten mad or angrily embarrassed at because my MS caused me to not be able to do something or caused my to not do something properly. For instance, just yesterday I dropped the rabbit's litter pan on the floor of the kitchen spilling rabbit poop and dirty litter all over the kitchen floor as my youngest daughter was trying to help me clean it. It wasn't that she caused me to drop it or in any way wasn't helping me, it was just a random spasm in my right hand/arm that caused me to knock the pan out of place whilst we were trying to dump it into the trash can.
  A few weeks ago I was trying to serve some noodles to the kids for dinner and when I was trying to fork them out of the strainer and into bowls another spasm caused me to fling noodles onto the floor. Not just a few noodles, but a fairly large amount. Again, I got upset only because it is embarrassing to allow me to show my weakness in front of my children and their friends. I am not necessarily embarrassed by my disease, in some ways I wear it as a badge as a testament to my years in the fire service (I mean, hey, we all die, either by fire or cancer or something else, why not MS). I am still getting used to being the Daddy that used to be viewed by my children as strong and unbreakable, and now that they know that I am "sick" and that there are just certain things that Daddy can no longer do. That is the most difficult thing that I have ever had to deal with. It is also the one thing that has opened up many different dialogues with my children. Daddy isn't SuperMan.
  No matter the progression level you are at, open dialogue with your friends and loved ones is the hardest and easiest thing that anyone can experience. Many people, myself included, have had the internal debate regarding disclosing the illness to immediate family and close friends. Many more have had the debate when it comes to discussing it with co-workers and employers. For me, I never really disclosed it to my employer, I just took my retirement for "medical reasons" and left it at that. Granted, by that time several of the people that I worked closely with knew exactly what was going on and had helped me keep it "covered" until I chose to leave the fire service, but I pretty much considered those trusted few as family more than co-workers. When it came time for me to tell them, it was the easiest conversation to open, although I was unsure of what their reaction might be. It is the same way when it comes to telling other family members. When you say Cancer, or AIDS, or Diabetes, everyone already has a pretty good idea of what is going on and how things are going to be managed and how the disease is going to progress. With MS, their is almost no standard progression chart that one can follow to know what is next. You may have no symptoms for months or years after the diagnosis, or you may see a constant change in symptoms from small changes to drastic ones. There is no way to tell. This leads many people to be afraid. I promise you, when you start to tell them, the first thing they all will say is, "oh God, I am so sorry." Ok, thanks, but, WHY are YOU sorry? Are you the one that gave it to me? if so, I think that we need to have a loooooong chat...This is usually my reply to people just to throw them off the pity path and give them a moment to realize that I didn't just deliver "bad" news to them, just news that might be good to know. Nothing to be sorry about, just another part of life that is out there to be aware of. Just like I would tell you if there was a hornet's nest above your front door. It doesn't mean that you board the door up and never use it again deciding that you are now going to climb in and out of the dining room window instead. You take that piece of information, and you incorporate it into your already existing knowledge of life. And, if one day you walk out that front door and a hornet stings you, you will be able to go back and remember the day that I told you about the nest being there. It's all just part of life.
  When it comes to New Year's, everyone makes resolutions that may only last a few days or weeks. When it comes to MS, most resolutions are unrealistic vows that we silently make against our disease. Such as, this year I will not let you damage my Myelin. This year I will not have any more relapses. This year I will not lose my balance and fall down the stairs. Ok, the last one is actually a possibility. You can do what I did and move from a house with stairs to a house that is one level. I have kept that silent promise and I no longer fall down the stairs in my house, because there are no stairs. I know, you might consider that cheating, but hey, I never said I wasn't a cheater!
  This New Year's I too have made a few resolutions. I have quit smoking. I know what those of you who know me well enough are thinking, I have made this resolution before and failed after a short period of time (usually less than a week.) Well, this time I truly hope to succeed. I stated taking Chantix about 3 weeks ago. Even though I continued to smoke during the initial weeks of Chantix, I did notice that I had reduced the amount that I was smoking. As of New Year's, I have not smoked an actual cigarette, and have instead been using an electronic cigarette. I have noticed the slight craving in the back of my mind for a real smoke, but I have been able to satisfy my need for something between my fingers and the constant need to puff on something. I know that many of you dirty minded people have a comment that I am sure you would love to insert there, trust me, I would too if I were reading something saying the same thing. Just remember, there is no harm in being a dirty minded bugger, hell, it has given me many opportunities to make others laugh at odd times.
  I have also vowed this year to be a better husband. This vow is even harder than quitting smoking, that I can promise you with 100% certainty. For the last 10 years (almost) that my wife and I have been married, I have been completely blind to how close I have gotten to losing her. Hell, I went with her to the bank to sign paperwork for her bank account, not even putting 2 and 2 together that this was a single account for her. Hmmm, we have always done our banking together, and now she wants her OWN account and didn't want me to have ANY access to it. To any normal person that might have been a red flag. Not to me! Dum de dum dum dum de de. Didn't see anything wrong there. Spending more time at "work". When I would tell her that I loved her more, she wouldn't argue....Hmmm, yet again, SIGN!!! Well, since we have finally laid everything out on the table with each other, although for being a very serious and long overdue conversation, there was a lot of laughter between us both during it, I now know what I have done to cause such a rift between us and am going to work even harder in 2014 to get our love life back to where it was 10 years ago. First things first, I am getting a lot of plastic surgery to make me look 25 again! Ok, that is a joke. Seriously, I don't think there is enough money in Bill Gates bank account to make me look like I did at 25, and if you saw me then you would know that I wasn't any better looking then than I am now so what would be the point. Personally, I think that all of the grey hairs I have, especially those that keep showing up in my beard, make me look much better at 34 than I ever did in my 20s. Like I tell people, its not really grey hair, it is seasoning (ie. salt and pepper) as I am a dish that needed a little more flavor.
  My greatest vow is to be a better father. No matter how many years I live on this earth, or how many "World's Greatest Dad" coffee cups I have (at current count, 0, just FYI) I can always and always will strive to be a better father. It is a goal that never gets old and there really is no way to measure when you have reached the top, thus I will just keep reaching. Granted, my oldest daughter Jennifer is the one I truly wish could benefit from my desire to be a better father, and I really hope that this is the year that her and her mother allow me the chance to enter more and more into their lives. I know that at 15 she really doesn't think that she needs me for anything, except maybe to borrow the car keys, but I am hoping and praying that she will give me the opportunity to redeem myself for my previous failures in fatherhood with her. As for my two youngest, I just want to do whatever makes them happy, smart, and able to assist them in growing up to be the people that they want to be. That is what most parents fail to realize when it comes to raising their children. Most parents want their kids to be the people that they want them to be (as in the parents.) The only way I will ever be happy and truly feel like I have succeeded as a father, is when my child tells me that they are happy with themselves because they are the person that they have always wanted to be. Granted, I hope that who I want them to be, and who they want to be are the same thing, their happiness is and always will be MY happiness.  As you read this, I hope it has made you consider what you plan on achieving this year. I hope that you plan to be a better person than you were in 2013. I hope that you plan to accomplish your goals that you have set forth for yourself regardless of any goals that others have set forth for you. I hope that you plan on loving twice as much this year as you did the last. And I truly hope more than anything that you plan to be twice as happy this year as you were in 2013. After all, our lives are not that different and your happiness could very well be part of my happiness. It's not just our life, but it is something like it.....Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas to all......and to all a good night.

     It has been a year since I created this blog. During that time many things have changed, yet so many things have remained the same. We are in the same state, still. We still have the same children, although the wife would like to change that by adding more. We no longer have our loyal dog as he finally was able to go in peace to his new heavenly home. We have added a few new critters to the house, most of them are even cute critters. Symptoms have come and gone, though mostly have come. Yet, we remain happy and living life the best way we know how, even with so many different things that try to interfere. 

     Today, as you know, is Christmas day. The kids awoke extra early as they tend to do on this one day of the year. As I tried to sleep in for as long as I could, I began to be covered by Christmas gifts as the children sorted out which gift went to which child. It seems as though my son's gifts were piled upon me, and my daughter's were piled upon my wife. So, this Christmas I was able to remain lying down whilst my kids opened their gifts. Unfortunately, this meant that I was unable to make my usual 7-11 coffee run. Once the gifts were torn from their wrappings, and the floor had a nice layer of paper upon it, I was finally able to escape my bed to see how bad the damage was. My children immediately began picking their favorite toys, which always seem to be the ones that require either batteries or assembly, and requested our immediate assistance to make them operational. This year, that meant putting together their new Nerf machine guns that not only seem to shoot an endless supply of *soft (*extremely flexible, yet hard tipped) darts, but do so at a velocity that could rival the FPS of an M16-A1. This meant that my need for coffee from the store, would also lead to the inevitable "dart death" of me upon my return. 

     To see my children's face as they opened their gifts and the pictures that we were able to take of them posing with them was priceless. It is my favorite day of the year, because no matter how much is wrong with me due to the MS, it is forgotten for the few moments that my kids are in absolute bliss. This is the reason to have children, and one of the reasons that MS will never completely overcome me. As long as I have children smiling and squealing with glee, certain things in my life can be completely ignored. 

     Thankfully this year, I have seen many of my symptoms not necessarily increase in their effect on my daily life, and we have been able to largely control them through the proper balance of medication. The new symptoms that we have welcomed into our life this year are still not severe enough to stop me from trying to enjoy my life with my family and still allow me to do things regularly with them without much effort to accommodate me. What we are truly thankful for is that we have been able to leave my wheelchair in storage for the past 9 months without needing it. This is what I have personally been most thankful for. 

     Unfortunately, we have not been able to close the open book that is my SS disability. That case is still open, and still pending a decision by the SSA. I hear so many stories from people who have been able to get approved the first time, or had a decision within the first few months after filing. I don't seem to have been so lucky, since it has been almost 16 months that I have been waiting, after the first denial I received 7 months ago. Perhaps this upcoming year will be the year that it finally comes to a conclusion and I can stop writing about that chapter of life with MS. 

     I hope that the few people who actually read my blog are reading this now without many major changes in their life. Hopefully, those with MS are not having any further difficulty with their symptom management. Hopefully, everyone is doing well in other aspects of their lives and is looking forward to the new year with optimism. And hopefully, everyone is still able to look at life with a sense of humor and can see the funny where others might see hardships. I hope that I will still be able to write this blog this coming year without making you few readers bored of my meandering thoughts. Although I know that this is not everyone's life, it is something like it... 

Been a long time

  It seems like forever since I have last made a post. I originally planned to make this a monthly blog and I apologize to anyone who actually reads my blog about the lapse between posts. Let us play a little catch up...
  Today was my youngest daughter's 9th birthday. Eleven days before was my son's 5th birthday. Now all the November birthdays are out of the way, so it is time to prepare for Thanksgiving and then on to Christmas. We had a great birthday party for them last Sunday after church with many of our friends and many children running around the house in every direction. Thankfully, my balance was intact that day and no children were harmed by my random gravity checks. This is of course a good thing as I don't think many of the parents would have understood why their children were flattened by me at a birthday party where there was no alcohol.
  At the end of October my wife violently killed my precious Chrysler 300C when someone ran a red light and T-boned her. I know it isn't her fault, but I will continue to give her hell for it because it just seems like fun for me. Honestly I am glad for 2 things: 1) it wasn't me that was driving, and 2) other than being slightly banged up she is otherwise ok. I can always replace the car (granted, not with a car as nice and AWESOME as that car) but I could never replace her. Also, since she has a life insurance policy, I would have probably been the main suspect in her death. It's always the husband if we learn anything from crime shows and the news media.
  In October I also received my ordination by the church. I know, anyone who knows me is asking themselves how I have not been struck by lightning yet. I run in zig-zag patterns everywhere I go! Seriously though, since retiring from Fire/Rescue I have done many different things, but I have received a calling into the ministry as a Chaplain and have decided to focus mainly on emergency services as a Chaplain for the needs of fire, rescue, and law enforcement. Don't think that I am going to turn this into a religious "preachy" blog. Just because I became a priest doesn't mean that I lost my sense of humor. Even God has a sense of humor, why else would he have created MS, child birth, sex, or the Dallas Cowboys...
  I have also begun doing a lot of photography. I came into a 1977 Minolta and a 1981/82 Minolta lately along with a shitload of accessories and decided that I want actual photos (not just my digital pictures). I know what you are thinking because I hear it all the time: "you mean they still make actual film?" Yes, and I can even gey it developed in 1-hour which is even more amazing! Besides taking pictures of my family and making a couple photo albums and having pictures to put in frames to hang on the wall (which have been very bare in our last few houses), I have focused my photography skills on the fire/rescue department. I recently did 6 rolls of film for the Madison County fire department when they had their open house. I have also gotten several pictures for the City of Charlottesville Fire Department on various calls both fire calls and rescue calls. The Chief and PIO in Charlottesville have posted several of them on the department's Facebook page.
  Surprisingly, I have found that I am able to hold the camera steady for those precious few seconds that I need to snap a picture or two. However, any other time I need my hands to stay still they completely betray me. Even as I type this I have to make a ton of corrections when my fingers hit the wrong letter or another key that a spasm caused me to press. The most annoying is when I hit the delete button instead of the K, L or M letter that I meant to type. They need to make a keyboard for the MSer much like Google, "Did you mean ______?" Of course, with all the mistakes my hands make when I use the keyboard it would probably just ask me if I meant to use a pencil and paper.

  Well, wish I had more humor today but things have been going well without too many mishaps so I really have nothing more to report. Still awaiting my Social Security disability decision, nothing new there. Still a slave to the medications. But still happy to be here and able to type to you about my life...or at least, something like it...